"Top 10 Reasons Bill Gates is Thinking of Buying CBS"

10. Wants to star in "Family Matters" spinoff called "The White Urkel"

9. Found out that his cybersex partner for last three years has been Ed Bradley

8. Wants to use CBS show "Ink" as a screen saver

7. Was turned down by NBC, ABC, FOX, UP, WB and Telemundo

6. Loves hit CBS shows like "Seinfeld" and "E.R."

5. It's his only hope of meeting "Cheech"

4. Instead of sending a note to his grandma, will create two CBS situation comedies, "Hi Grandma" and "Love Bill"

3. Wants to digitally remaster Andy Rooney's eyebrows

2. His computer career is over after biting off the President of IBM's
ear

1. He's www.nuts.com

Winners of the Brainless Olympics!

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airporthotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed
its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the
job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of
gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers
suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room.
Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he
cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons,
setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later
accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went
out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged.
Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to
the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a
metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy
machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police
pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't
telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect
confessed.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand
over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the
police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was
arrested.